Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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