I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
