i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
