someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize