A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize