I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize