You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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