I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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