Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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