hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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