Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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