If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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