My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
third nipple confirmed
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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