my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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