wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
