I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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