We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I will pee on everything he values.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Randomize
