When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize