No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
3 2 1 whiskey
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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