Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Even my vagina gasped.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
