Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
