i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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