I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
