i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
