My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
