your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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