So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
