I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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