dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
