god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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