I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Damn victory sex feels great
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
