I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
