Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
