I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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