Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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