i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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