She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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