So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
