i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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