omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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