WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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