bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
The police scanner is talking about you again....
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
