hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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