I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
