Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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