It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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