Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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