FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
