Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
