I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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