I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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