Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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