just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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