if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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