What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
