are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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