Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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