don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
