3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
