How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
