How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
