I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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